On January 4th, 2020, I was blessed, heaven bloomed in my home, then in the 26th the curse was casted, I was dragged to live the hell alive.
That Saturday, Yogi (miss you Love) delivered a new member of our family, Thariq Orkhan Khairurrahim, a healthy beautiful baby. Rejoice, me and wife, Yogi, we were so full of happiness. I even fall in love with her again and again.
I could not stop smile whenever I watched her sleep. Kissed her lips and cheek while she was in her in her sleep, smell her breath when she snooze, or just laid my head on her lap, I jut couln’t help it. She was just so georgeous, more beautiful than ever. Her body smells so good, that I cant help not to hug her as often as possible. I even dreamed of her when she laid there with me.
While she was recovering from the surgery, I helped her with her bath, changed the robe, I dressed her, I combed her hair. I enjoyed her companion more than ever, cannot even left her side. I was really drawn in love with her. It was not just that we have the baby, or that we had our dreams blooming, it was much more than that. Through our 14 years together, the last four years was the best, all problems dissappeared, we lived the way we like it, and we planned our old days alot. There was not a time since my chidhood that I had my life in full throttle, I controlled it all. Just perfect, no other words can describe it better. My lips even could not quit smiling.
We had our prize after three miscarriages, a healthy baby. We named him Thariq Orhan Khairurrahim, Star of the great king of the kindest love. I had everything I needed, all happiness were at my disposal, Yogi recovered from the surgery well although her blood pressure remained high. We were allowed to go home after three days.
The problem seems to begin after ten days at home, Yogi started to have problem sleeping, even when she was so sleepy and tired. We though it was for the new routine with the baby. Yogi though that it was caused by prolonged consumption of her blood pressure medication or the antibiotics. She knows her medication side effect, she’s a pharmacist. When we consult the the doctor, dr Herman, he said everything was fine, nothing to worry about. If we want to consult, he just asked the nurse to prepare the form to return our status to the family doctor, no longer in the hospital. He was the doctor whom Yogi checked her pregnacy, but in his private practice. He used to be so kind in his place, that day He did not even look at Yogi. Yogi consulted her with her anxiety, sleep problem, asked whether it was due to the medication. He keep writing his doctor’s journal, I guessed, and asked the nurse inspect the circumsition wound. ” No problem, Return to your health facility, you do not need hospital service anymore”, and he igored us. I was furious, but my love calm me down.
Curse him and may he rot in hell and taste the pain as bitter as mine. What a shallow person, and he valued his patient only for the money they gave him. May him taste the pain that I had.
Two weeks after the delivery, Thariq bilirubine level increased that made him yellow. His mom’s breast milk production decrease because of her condition. She look pale. I go to Jakarta, working for my delivery leave was finished. I kissed her, Thariq, Sadeq and Kiran. Ummi looked pale. She drove me away to the fence, wave her hand and kissed me a warm leave.
Inspite of her problem, Ummi still insisted on giving Thariq exclusive breast feeding. Only after her friends, doctors and nurses from the health center came visit het on tuesday, they take her and baby Thariq to the hospital. Thariqq was required to stay in the hospital with UV Tratment facility, but mom did not, her lab result indicate no serious problem. But as her friends saw that she look unhealthy, they suggest her to consul pak herman back. I flew back home that afternoon.
During Thariq stay in the hospital, I commute to the hospital several
times a day, Yogi pumped her breast, but the milk keeps decreasing. The
nurse gave thariq formula milk. The treatment took five days, Tuesday
to saturday. Umm look pale, we tried everything to make her sleep well,
music, incense, aromatherapy, none worked. She even look more pale than
after delivery, but she keep saying that she was OK. She’ll recover.
Consultation with pak Herman, at his private practice run well. He becme
talkative and attentive back. Yogi’s blood pressure was 130, he said
everything is well. Yogi consult her sleep difficulties, he prescribed
vitamins and antibiotics, the one that yogi though cause her anxiety.
She did not want to take the medicine, we go to the hospital after it. I
was curious why didn’t he even checked her pulse. Yogi said its all
right, the problem was not with her physics, but her emotion. She
convinced me that she will try harder to calm her self up. Her sleep
problems remained untreated and what the problem really was remained a
mystery.
Saturday morning, got news from the nurse, Thariq’s
bilirubin has already normal, and should be allowed to be taken home if
only there was no other medication. There was antibiotics that should be
given for one more day that his return home should be postponed. Happy
but disappointed I insisted on taking him home. The doctor gave no
consent, I signed the responsibility waiver form. her mother needed the
baby more.
In the afternoon, Umm got bad feelings, we planned on consulting psichiatrist, she called her friend a psichiatrist at health center, and make appointment to meet sunday morning and take medication to help her sleep problem. She agreed that Thariq need her mom healthy more than her breast milk. We also agree that on Monday we’ll paid a visit to health facility for full health check-up, as precautions for any undetected problems. After sunset, she said that her breath was short, need to rest, need to calm her self because she feel anxious. My Papa paid a visit, Yogi stays on the bed. At nine I accompany her on the bed, help her sooth her feeling. I tried to talk to her, motivate her untill she fell asleep. Midnight, after she breastfed Thariq, Yogi comllained she could not sleep again. We chat, I tried to sooth her, tried to comfort her. She shaid that she had problem breating, but I see that she breath fine, it just she look pale. She sweat alot. While she lean on my chest, she recovered, her breath turn normal, but suddenly, like someone drowning, she gasp, and she screams, “Abe, Abe”. I hold her tight, soothed her, talk to her until she got hold of herself. After some time she fell asleep, I fed Thariq and fell asleep after it.
Maybe after an hour or two, she slapped my face, I wake up, “Apo
Me?”, asked her what, I look at her and she was asleep. Unintentioned
movement I guessed. As I closed my eyes, she slappped me again, “Me, it
hurt”, I said while I open my eyes. Suddenly I realized that she doesnt
look right. Her breath was short as if choked, I shake her body, hold
her hand and she snore hard. I opened her eyes and her pupil did not
responded. God got me this time, he play me wrong. I wanted to scream,
all I can do is hold her hand rolled her to her back from her side, and
her body had no power at all.
I run to Kiran’s room waking Yogi’s
mom. As I returned, there was brooth leaking out of her nose. I know
that my world has crumbled, fallen apart. I run to the car turn it on,
Sadeq was screaming in panic “Ummmee”, at his mom, kiran was stunted, I
carry her to the car, I lost my breath that I cannot open the door.
Yogi’s father help with the door and hold her head on his lap. I rush to
the hospital, as we get there, the doctors tested her pulse, and she
was already gone.
Sadeq screamed, I could only look at him, I looked at Kiran, and she was panicked, and I was at the bottom of the hell. Felt itchy, numb and in the very surface of my skin, as if it will explode but it did not. I wanted to cry, but I have no power to cry, All I can do is hold my sons and daughter and call my love hoped that she will wake up. I kept thinking that this is just a nightmare, and I will wake up soon.
Still shiver every time the thing come across my mind. and still could not accept that It all happened. I still cannot accept it happened.
Cry is for medium happiness and or sadness. For traumatic one, you become numb, stunted, emptied. You became empty, you forgot everything, you do not know how to express feelings, even when you wanted to cry, there is not a single cry to cry on. Smile is the only expression that you had left. All you can feel is small itch as if there are small hands tickling your palm, face, feet, and every surface of your skin.
I really want to go with you honey, accompany you, or at least burnt in hell, if there is one, just not to feel this emptiness.
They said that time will heal, they are all wrong, it made me rot. For me, it is like maggot, eating my flesh inside out. They said hell is fire, you live it when you die. No, it did not applied to me, I live it every single breath stroke from that moment you slap my face onward.
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